Saturday, November 27, 2010

The friend of my enemy is my frenemy!

There comes a point when the nexus of the universe meets at and you come face to face with that one person.  It might be in college or it might be in kindergarten or in the grocery line, chances are you have met them though.  That person who is so much like you it causes an instant Sherlock Holmes/James Moriarty complex. 

It’s your frenemy.

I believe these people exist for you to realize how annoying you, yourself really are.  You have never shared anything with them, but they know your catch phrases, your silly mannerisms, and the fact that you cut your fingernails with scissors.  They know all of it because like some twisted bizzaro version of you, they do it to.

They aren’t similar to you, they ARE you.  Just in a separate space in the universe.  You might say “That’s impossible!”  But if you search your feelings Luke, you know it to be true.

Most people are the same, just small little tweaks here and there.  Unless you are from Jersey, people from New Jersey have no soul.

I traveled to New Jersey once.  I went to the corporate headquarters for the company I worked for and was able to spend a whole week in that God-forsaken place.  In an event to not want to go out to dinner alone every night, I decided to drive to the nearest grocery store and pick up bread and stuff for sandwiches.  New Jersey lives off the loneliness and sadness of the people who exist there.  If I could stay in my hotel long enough, I didn’t have to think about being in New Jersey. 

Anyway, while at the store checkout I purchased my goods and said “Thank you” to the check out clerk and bagger.  The bagger proceeded to answer my thank you with “yeah”.

No souls.

 As I was leaving something happened that cemented my hatred for the east coast forever more.   As I was walking out of the store about 20 feet in front of me before the exits, an old woman was putting away her change in her change purse.  I suppose she didn’t want to do this in line after buying her groceries because it would have held up the other customers.  In her effort now to put the coins away, she accidentally dropped all her change on the floor.  Dimes, nickels, quarters went everywhere.  As I approached her though, I saw about half a dozen people walk around her and over her change, never once offering to help her pick it up.

I believe when Jesus comes back to the world, he will just choose to incinerate New Jersey.  If not, then I am sure we can vote on it, or something.

Moving on…

Do not make the mistake of making your frenemy your actual friend.  This is ill advised.  I think cosmically you will cause the universe to explode.

If you happen to be in a small group where people know both you, and your frenemy they will make comments about how similar you both are, but how you happen to both hate each other.  This isn’t the absolute truth though.  Frenemies don’t “hate” each other.  It’s just an absolute competition to be the best YOU that YOU are.  But both of you are YOU.

As much as I try to make my kids an absolute replica of me, they will not be, therefore they are not good frenemies and not useful in gang fights. 

The friend side (remember they are not your actual friend) of the frenemies relationship is actually where the benefit comes into play.  Frenemies, having the same things that offend you, in them, and are good for helping in arguments, gang fights and dance competitions.  A frenemy will never let you face the sharks alone when you’re a jet.

Some things frenemies are also beneficial in:

1.)    A frenemy will always tell you when you look fat in something. 
2.)    They will always come up with cool presents for you, because it’s what they like, and let’s face it, you are the same person.
3.)    I believe as long as your frenemy is alive – you will stay alive as well.  It’s that whole 2 sided coin theory I have, but not proven yet.
4.)    Your frenemy will hold your hair while vomiting, but they will also post a picture taken from their smart phone of the vomiting on facebook or twitter.

Don’t piss off your frenemy anymore than you would want to be pissed off.  They hold the same grudge you do, and possibly the same sense of revenge.

If you have not yet found your frenemy, it may come from the basic premise that you don’t know who you are yourself. 

Only in truly knowing yourself, can you discover your frenemy.  Good Luck.