Lonely, but never alone...

The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.

- Thomas Wolfe

Firefly was a good TV show.  I am not sure why Fox ever cancelled it, but it appeared to have everything in a show I like, and many things I don’t.  What I especially liked about the show was the pilot of the ship named “Wash”.  I could identify with this guy.  He married an awesome woman, like I did, he had a great sense of humor that was sarcastic but not sardonic - just like me, and when it came time for them to make a movie of the show called “Serenity”, he ends up dying by taking a spear to the chest after saving everyone on board.

Exactly how I want to go.

But I digress; I remember one episode called “Out of Gas”.  In it the Ship runs out of…well, whatever it’s powered on and something breaks and yadda yadda yadda plus some scary stuff and they decide to send 2 groups of people out in 2 separate small shuttles to get help and the captain – named Mal – decides to stay behind in case someone answers the distress beacon they setup there.

It’s in this event a line is uttered that will forever be burned in my psyche as truly remarkable and troubling at the same time.  One of the passengers who cares for the captain comes up to him and they have a small exchange of words that goes as follows:

Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone. 
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

It didn’t dawn on me that whether you were lost at sea with hundreds of people, taken out by a bomb from a plane or in a car full of clowns in an accident, the death you have is singular to you.  You don’t leave this world holding hands with anyone.  The sum of whatever existence you have at the time of your passing ends with the last breathe that leaves and another one refuses to come back in.  No more are you given the opportunity to love your spouse or teach your children or pet your dog.

How cruel.  The reasons for it are explainable, but not in this post.

In 100 years those who would have known of your death or of you will all be gone as well.  I don’t remember my Great, Great Grand Parents.  Their existence had an affect on my life because without them, there would have been no me, but they are strangers to me.

How cruel is death that it is allowed not only a severance of all things we care about but it carries us into an oblivion and eternity that isn’t well documented or easily understood.  And you must go alone.  Christians tell they are unafraid of death.  Death shouldn’t have a fear attached to it.  Everyone, at some point, dies.

But you must do so alone.  My Grandfather was placed in Hospice.  He died alone.  We couldn’t take the journey with him.

Job is one of my favorite books of the Bible.  I don’t know why, most likely because it is a book that I can identify with the reality of. Job lost it all.  And his reaction to his friends is he wanted to be left alone.

I should have been as though I had not been; I should have been carried from the womb to the grave.

Are not my days few? cease then, and let me alone, that I may take comfort a little,

Before I go whence I shall not return, even to the land of darkness and the shadow of death;

A land of darkness, as darkness itself; and of the shadow of death, without any order, and where the light is as darkness.

I get it Job.  Everyone dies alone.  How can any comfort come from such despair and that reality?  I find none in his statement.

Lately, I have been studying Paul.  Paul was able to see something that few others can claim they had.  If we believe Paul’s account and I have no reason to doubt it – since SOMETHING must have changed a murdering zealot into a convert of the men, women and children he was killing – then we have the example of being completely alone.

Before the end of his life he writes “Only Luke is with me.” And “At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me”.

No matter what people say right now, it is not as unpopular now to be a Christian as it was back then.  People fled Paul in some instances for their safety.  Anyone who identified that they were a Christian and visited Paul was arrested and murdered by Emperor Nero.  He was not a nice fellow.

Something drove Paul that made him reject the same despair that enveloped Job.   He explains in the same chapter when expressing his state of being as a single resister in an army of one.  “Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me”.

Seriously?  Maybe Paul was delusional over the years of imprisonment.  Maybe he finally succumbed to some madness that didn’t affect his writings or his brain for prose, but brought upon some type of psychosomatic belief that he was not by himself when he was writing.

Forgive that logic but that does not add up to me.

Composers Schumann, Tchaikovsky and Chopin had great bouts of depression as most incredible artists do.  It seems bi-polar is a contributing factor to a mark of a genius.

Pearl Buck said “The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.”

But Paul, he writes “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”  Content with being alone?  Honestly? 

I know what you are thinking.  I like “me” time.  It’s nice and quiet and allows for thoughts to dwell on peaceful things or solutions to problems or meditate on some great truth or love of this life.  I agree, as long as I can come back to some type of community.

No, Paul must have had a deeper experience and connection to someone that exceeded his physical prison, his poor health, and his upcoming execution.  Digging into his statement I found “And the night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome.”

There it was.  Paul was recounting this one moment in time when this most important relationship, the only one that would have kept him sane, would ground him to the reality that was his ultimate destiny.  And with that he would never be alone.  Even in facing death Paul says “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

 As human beings we change the same sentence by filling in the most crucial part of the sentence with something else. “For to me to live is ______, and to die is gain.”  Is that a career, or a family, or a product or service that we fill in the blank with?  There is only one right answer.  All other answers do not make death a gaining experience.

With Christ.  Sometimes lonely, but never Alone.

Friendship - and other boats that sink when there are many people involved

I often have long talks with my kids.  Someone said to me one time, “You need to be the parent to your kids, not their friend”. 

That’s idiotic. 

Of course I want to be my kids’ friend.  I often think, about the good friends I have had, haven’t they always told me when I have done something stupid – or ignorant, or thanked me when I helped out. Haven’t they taught me boundaries in our relationships?  Being a parent gives me the opportunity to showcase to my child exactly what the best type of friendship should look like, and to teach them how to do the same with their children.

Now there is more involved because I am an authority figure in their lives, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be their friend.  My boy Brandon looked at me the other day and said “Dad, you are my best buddy” I looked back at him and said “Brandon I appreciate that, but I want you to know I am your parent first and can’t be your friend at all because I have to raise you and be stern and teach you to respect me which discounts any type of friendship that you may want to have with me.  Now, go make me some waffles.”

No I didn’t.  That would be stupid.  Well, not the waffles, cuz that would be awesome.

My kids and I spend time together.  I make sure each of them gets special alone time with Dad.  They can talk about whatever they want to talk about, and do things that they want to do.  Katie normally picks the library.  Brandon normally picks Game Stop and Collin picks the McDonald’s play land.  At the McDonald's play land he is allowed to run and scream through giant plastic tubes.  Best. Time. Ever.

I find the friendship I have with my kids very, how should I say this, unfettered of need.  Kids while they are young just want to spend time with you.  As you get older, we tend to develop friendships with those around us who either need things from us, or we have need of them.  Before the initial conception of the friendship occurs we use people for a purpose.  For no other reason that they fill a gap or a certain set of requirements when if we are honest enough we could see ourselves never conversing with certain people ever.  I understand networking systems and computers.  Many people who are friendly with me do so because they have a need for that skill.  We aren’t friends, but we may BECOME friends due to the fact that they initially have a need that needs to be filled.

There’s nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong, though, is when the relationship that people think they have with you is friendship when in reality they use you for the skills that you have.

I’ve been guilty of this.  I have a buddy of mine who is a gifted accountant.  But I see him once a year.  I’m sure you can guess why.  He is a great guy with a great family, but I only make time for our friendship during tax time.  That makes me a jerk.  How can I ever expect a friendship to grow if the only time I put into it is when I need something?  Truth is I can’t.

Most people bind together over an ideal, or a certain topic.  If you think about it, it happens a lot in religion (or lack thereof), politics, or sadly if you are Canadian.  The topic drives the similarities in two individuals forming a common ground and that allows the foundation for a friendship to be planted.  Circumstances also forge friendships over time.

But whatever the reason you become friends with someone, be it because you met at an event where you both had interests, you are both from Canada, or you needed the viruses from that porn site cleaned off your computer for the 4^th time, we should make sure we spend some time maintaining that relationship without the pressure of some requirements that need to be fulfilled.

Reading through the Bible, Jesus surrounded himself with many people.  All of them he served.  Twelve of them he kept close.  But I am pretty sure one of the 12 was a Canadian.

3Jn 1:14 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Why I never wanted a dog again, and why I now have a dog

I didn’t want a dog, ever again.  You see when I was little, I had a dog that was from a litter of puppies and it was the runt.  All the other dogs were given away but I was able to keep this one and I named him Critter. 

Critter was my super best friend; Critter would sleep with me and was MY puppy.  We lived on an acre of land and our dogs roamed free.  About 29 years ago there were no leash laws and our 2 dogs roamed everywhere.  Critter explored and did other type dog things.

One day, Critter went exploring and never came back.  I remember I stood at the top of the hill where we lived on Parker road, which was gravel at the time, with a little sign I made in crayon and stopped cars driving by at 30 miles an hour to show them my sign of my “missing dog”.  It was a great crayon likeness of my dog, but alas no one had seen Critter.  Hours turned to days, and then weeks, then months and my puppy never came home.

Fast forward to about 8 years ago when my then 3 year old daughter Katie was talking about puppies and kitties and fish.  Being all cutesy as a 3 year old can say those words.  I was speaking with my mom about owning a dog again, and regardless of the horrible dog smell that comes with them, didn't want to go through the possibility of losing an animal the way I did when I was just a wee lad.  Relaying the story again from memory to my mom during one of these “why not get an animal conversation” about my crayola endeavored hunt for my lost Best Friend she mentioned “Oh Critter, Yes, He was killed when he got hit by a car.  We found him on the side of the road but didn’t want to tell you.”

Let me take a break from this story real quick to stress the importance of closure and the annoyance of ambiguity.  Parents, please teach your kids that things DIE.  My parents would often buy me a kitten only to have the dog from next door to run off with it in its mouth.  They would then buy me another kitty, replacing it.  Obviously I was not perceptive enough to deduce that the cat was a different cat.  Shame on me, but still.  Looking back I laugh with such bitter, bitter tears.

WHAT?!  Killed?  Seriously?  Needless to say I was dead set against getting a dog.  And just a little more dead on the inside.  We had made it to 3 kids and still the level of pet we reached was 3 fish won at a Carnival event.

I didn’t want to be one of those families that got a dog and then got rid of it because it was to hard of a responsibility to take care of.  I also knew that a dog’s lifespan is 12-15 years tops.  Any dog purchased I knew, would grow to be such a part of the family that when either 1 or 2 of the kids were going to be going to college, we would lose this family member.

Pessimistic?  Sure.  Do things die?  Yup.  Have I seen people ditch dogs because they got tired of dealing with an animal they decided to take on?  Sure.  I wanted to avoid all those things.

Fast forward a few years to my son Brandon.  Brandon for all intensive purposes is the most content child I have ever met.  You can ask this kid what he wants for his birthday or for Christmas and he will list 1, maybe 2 things.  That’s it.  If people have dozens of presents to open around him but he has the 1 or 2 things he had asked for he is extremely happy.  Well, one year he asked for a puppy.  A puppy he could take care of all to himself and train and run and play fetch with and chase with sticks and setup obstacle courses and yadda yadda yadda.

Problem was Brandon was afraid of barking dogs.  He would wince and jump whenever a dog would do a “dog type thing”.  It didn’t even have to be a big dog; small dogs would spook him as well.

            I tried to sand bag the topic, told Brandon he was to young, the fence needs fixing, that dog poop smells, that dogs DIE, and finally that he should start researching dog breeds to find one he really wanted.  That last one I hoped would have bought me a few years; at least until he would outgrow the want for a dog I prayed.

Then one year it happened.  Brandon didn’t want 1 or 2 things anymore.  He just wanted a puppy.  A puppy is not a thing, a puppy is a living it.  And whatever it was going to be I could tell Brandon wanted it real bad.  So I finally made him a deal and said we would get him a puppy for his 8 year old Birthday.  We started looking at Golden labs and Border Collies and all sorts of good family Dogs.

I had one ace in the hole left.  Our fence in the back yard was in need of repairs.  I told Brandon that even before we thought of getting a puppy – the fence would have to be fixed.  I mean you wouldn’t want to lose your puppy the first day you have it Brandon do you?  It will run away and get hit by a car and then YOU will be standing with a crayon drawing of your puppy and thus the circle will be complete.

I’m not bitter.

Brandon understood this and I thought I had finally closed the deal on this.  Until one day Katie told me that a friend of hers said that the local animal shelter had closed down.   This animal shelter had been around in Homer Glen for 30 or more years.  I told Katie there was no way this shelter would ever have closed down without it being announced in the local paper.  But she said she was sure her source was right.  So I said to her we will stop by after we had some lunch during our Daddy and daughter time.

Looking back – I think this was a setup.  I am not sure how or why but I am almost positive.

Walking into the shelter there were some new puppies shipped in and none of them looked extra special, so we went in a looked at the older dogs in another LOUDER section.  I hate barking dogs, I hate the sound of it.  Nothing screams desperation like a barking dog, or a Mime.  I hate them; I don’t get what they are supposed to be? Are they a clown?  I don’t get it.

The older puppy section had large barking dogs, except in one cage was a Siberian husky named Logan.  Logan was a female dog – who gives a female dog a boys name?  Logan had a rule on her card.  Must be only dog in house.

My daughter and I stared at Logan.  She stared back.  She wasn’t barking, but she would sniff our hands and try and be petted.  We must have stood there for 3 minutes watching her.  We walked a few steps away and she did something I could never forget.  She howled.  I have heard coyotes howl and other dogs howl, but this was a different.  She sounded lonely.  I walked back to her and remember looking at her and thought instantly, you must miss your family.

I asked the shelter about Logan and sure enough she was there for only a few days and had come from a home with other dogs and a 3 year old boy who was her best friend.  She was dropped off with a note from her previous owner and you could tell the woman who wrote it was heartbroken for having to give Logan away.  It turns out Logan is very much the Alpha female and during feeding time struggles became the norm.  There was so much contention that separate feeding times didn’t resolve the issue and in order for peace to be maintained Logan had to go.

Must be only dog in house.

I came back to Logan again after talking to the Shelter owners and I looked her over again and knew right then, this is our Dog.  My wife knew it as well when she first saw her.

Logan’s been a part of our family for about a month now.  Every night she greets me when I get home, just like the kids do.  We play in the house and go for nice walks at night together.  She is already 5 years old, so I know in my heart, if all things go perfect, I have her for another 7 to 10 years.  But if they don’t go perfect, just like every other member of our family, we are all made better for having her in our lives.

The fear of losing something or someone shouldn’t keep us from loving them.

Was it some mystical bond formed back at the shelter?  Was it man and beast coming to understand each other?  No. 

It was a boy who wanted a dog and a dog who needed a family.

The odd thing was the boy who wanted a dog wasn’t Brandon. 

It was me.

Fight CLUB!!!!

Growing up, I hated the Cargo Net in Gym.  It stretched all the way up to the top of what looked like a 220 ft ceiling.  When you are in 3^rd grade, that’s what it looks like at least.  I would get about halfway up, you know when the other kids start to pass you and I would freeze, just stop climbing and think to myself, ‘What the crap am I doing?!”

I didn’t make this decision you see.  It was made for me by my legs and arms.  As I was climbing up, my extremities reminded me that if and when I should fall the only thing to soften my blow to the wooden gym floor below was the ½ inch pad or gym mat as we were told it was called.  My limbs proceeded to convince me that the gym mats only purpose was to keep me from dying, and that they did not want any of their bones broken. 

I would have made a lousy pirate.

So, believing that, I complied and proceeded to climb back down, listening to the wussy limbs that were attached to my wussy body.

When you get older you realize there are just some chances though that you have to take.

Drinking urine is not one of them, unless it’s a survival thing.

But you must start learning to trust things…like cargo nets, people, some Mexican restaurants in neighborhoods with no stray dogs, car mechanics and should you have to travel this way, airplanes that fly livestock.

When I was training to learn how to fight, something that scared me to death was getting hit.  There is nothing more idiotic than putting a pair of gloves on you hands, with another full grown adult and agreeing that you are about to beat the crap out of each other for 2 minutes at a time.

With enough training though, something amazing happens.  Frank Trejo said it best,

“Kenpo is just like Music...No simple formula seems to exist, what can be discerned is a grand simplification in a way a cord sequences in a melodic development...you hear, see and feel the sound or movement before the muscles engage”. 

In due course of sparring and training you begin to trust yourself a little bit more each time and become more confident of your own abilities.  You find yourself making statements to the other guy, who is shaking like a leaf mind you with enough nervous energy to punch a hole in the wall, saying “Don’t worry, if I get hurt, it’s my own fault.”

I mean…who says that?  Really?

But it’s true.  When you have been experienced enough to know the damage you can take and the pain you can bear and still continue it isn’t arrogance that drives you on, it’s your own personal experience from pushing that breaking point above and beyond the top of that Cargo Net.

There was a guy at our studio whose name was John.  But everyone called him “Big” John.  Sure he had muscles and a face like a thoroughbred, but I mean, he was THAT big.  One day, I was told he had begun training not for an MMA bout but for a straight boxing match.   Hearing that information I understood he was going to have to train a bit differently.  He must have gotten bored in those coming months because he wanted to spar one night and not box.  I thought sure, why the heck not.

“Big” John and I squared off and within 30 seconds I realized something.  Sometimes…just sometimes, you run into those individuals who are too stupid to feel pain.  I realized after the first….oh I don’t know, 20 hits, that no matter how much I struck “Big” John he was going to just keep coming.  This is where I discovered that sometimes your best just isn’t good enough.  I could hit him, move and lock him up, but in the end, he just didn’t respond to any “pain stimulus” I was laying down. 

And then he hit me.

The first one came about a minute in.  He had been measuring me up the whole time.  He figured out how I telegraphed my punches, knees and how I worked the environment around me.  The first shot was enough to make me see stars; the second dropped me to my knees.

Now, depending on multiple things like your training, character, heart and discipline your conscious mind no longer controls your next set of reactions.  You either stay down, and put your hand up in that universal “give me a moment” wave. 

Or you realize you got hurt, and it was your own fault, and you move.

In fighting, I realized how close to an analogy to life it really is.  Constant struggle is what builds and defines a Human being to shine brighter than others, especially when they succeed.

As a Christian I hear often that God wants to test you to see how much you can bear.  I respectfully disagree.  God doesn’t want to see how much you can bear, he already knows.

He wants you to know where your breaking point is, and through training make the realization that with Him you can be greater than you think you are.

Isa 41:15  Behold, I will make thee a new sharp threshing instrument having teeth: thou shalt thresh the mountains, and beat them small, and shalt make the hills as chaff. 

Canada - Thou Foul Villain!! - Part Deux

I knew after halfway burning down part of Canada that there may be a day, or a time in my life I would have to return to the land sometimes referred to as North Wisconsin.

There came a call from my supervisor and one of the VP’s about 8 years ago and said that we purchased an office up in Ontario.  And the question was – who in IT has a passport?  I knew I had a passport.  In fact – I was one of 2 people in IT that had a passport, and the office integration was a 2 person job.  But, was it too soon?  Were the old wounds healed?

Canada and I never got a fair shake together.  The first time I went there it was to discover nature and bears and lightning and rain and stuff.  Canada instead showed me its dark side…which contained nature and bears and lighting and rain and stuff.  This time though, it had to be different, this time it was on my terms.  I was going into Canada to integrate an office for America.  Land of the Free and Home of the Not being Canada.  I would hoist Old Glory over their front door and declare them part of the USA corporate machine.

That didn’t happen.

I arrived in Canada with 4 days to accomplish a 7 day project.  You see in America, much like the Dollar vs. the Loon our time is 30% more efficient than their time. Their clocks have no 5-7PM on them, it’s true.  Instead, Canadians appear to use that time to visit restaurants not FROM America.

I should know.  One of the places we would dine at was called the Outback Steakhouse.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Craig we have those here, that is an American Establishment.  You are so right, but Canadians think this eatery is from Australia, making it more palpable to visit.

There are only a few things from this trip that I really remember.  Most of my time was spent in a room trying to upgrade the IOS on a Pix520 Firewall using a soldering gun and an rs232 cable.  I became familiar with the Microsoft ISA server.  I spent 2 nights putting antivirus on 15 workstations and removing all sorts of internet porn.  Yes, Canadians love their internet porn.

We (my coworker and I) visited several places while there; talking with staff at restaurants and even a church we visited.  Everyone we talked to had the same line of questions.  How long you in for, what are you guys doing, where you staying at?

It’s when we got to this question that people seemed to offer the most colorful reaction.  You see, we were staying at a Holiday Inn Express, and although the hotel we were staying in was very nice, clean and tidy with friendly service it appears everyone was aware that around the Holiday Inn Express there were several murders that week.  How exciting!

Another memorable moment included a trip to the local mall and radio shack store to try and find a specialized part I needed for a piece of Cisco equipment.  This inadvertently led to a “battle of wits” with the Shack employee Doug.  Michael Jackson had just released a new video that was playing on all the screens, and hiding my USA identity I asked Doug how that particular video was selling.  He said it was great everyone loved it.  I replied “Yeah, but he isn’t as popular in America anymore.”

Shack employee Doug replied “Yeah but they are stupid people, they’ll buy anything right?  They just elected the terminator as a Senator…”

Now…I can take a friendly jab or poke in jest.  I cannot however take a full on assault to my country’s intelligence from Doug at the Canadian Radio Shack.

I opened my mouth.  “Ya see Doug, its true Americans buy lots of Crap.  But what we don’t purchase we send to you ice chimps up here to buy. As far as the Terminator, he was elected as Governor not a Senator.  Our system of Government allows something like that to happen.  By the way, you can have Alan Thicke back”

I left the store…they didn’t have my part anyway.

In the end the office was integrated and no lives were lost around the Holiday Inn Express Hotel that week.

But just barely.

Theocentricity and other places to visit while Free-Willin'

I firmly believe it you speak with a British accent you are automatically smarter than people who don’t.  Idiotic?  Maybe… But were the Wright Brothers idiots for owning a Bicycle shop?

Yes.  Yes they were.  If they spoke with English accents they would have figured out that plane thing so much earlier.

I heard a new word this week and thought it sounded super smart.  If I could force a British accent I would say it all day long, maybe as long as a fortnight.  What’s a fortnight?  I have these with my kids sometimes.  It involves building structures out of couch cushions then having small pirate or ninja battles for the evening. 

But the word I heard was Theocentric*.  How awesome is that word?    I bet it can power a whole city, like hyperdynamics.  OK, I just made that word up.  But Theocentric is a real word!  Honest…

It means centering on God as the Prime concern.  Now I know I have both Christians and non-Christians read my blog.  I love you all.  So if you don’t wish to read about God this week, tune in next week for my part 2 telling of my second trip to Canada.  It will not be as preachy because…well, God doesn’t like Canada.  Especially the French side.

Ok, if you are still reading… there are things as a Christian I often have wondered about.  Many, many times I hear from people in Christianity about praising God every day.  And worship him, don’t forget to worship.  And thank him; you need to thank him for everything he has done for you.

And I begin to think to myself, wow, God seems pretty insecure if he needs all that.  What type of all powerful being needs me to tell him how great he is?  I mean, doesn’t he already know?  Cool kids in school knew they were cool, no one had to tell them they were cool, that’s what made them cool.

I had spent a lot of time on this, because if you ask other Christians these questions, they look at you sometimes like you must not have been reading your bible to see how awesome God truly is.  I understand the awesomeness, but God needs to be told he is awesome?

Someone said to me “But Craig, don’t you like being told when you do a good job, or when given praise for something you have accomplished?”  Well, yeah, but I’m not God.  I have self awareness issues and some psychosis and flawed perception of myself.  I am pretty sure the Almighty does not suffer my personal faults.  He’s perfect right?

Why do I need to tell God how holy he is?  He knows that right?  Or how good?  Is he not aware of that either?

I refuse to accept the assertion that the Lord in Heaven needs me to tell him for his own personal benefit how extravagant everything he made is.  It makes no sense.  How can a divine being require praise from a human being?  That’s like a 4 year old telling a physics professor that the professor is really good at counting the apples that are in the flash card picture.  The praise is insufficient and irrelevant.

So, I started digging into it and the answer was not that hard to find.

To the shock of some, it appears human beings in general are selfish.  Now I know what you’re thinking….Craig give me back my lawnmower you have had it long enough.

Follow me on this though.  Self preservation is very intrinsic to who we are.  We as individuals must make sure our basic needs are met (I am not going all Maslow here on you I promise), before we are capable of meeting the needs of others.  And when we become families, our selfishness extends to those we love.  We guard and protect our own.  As a man, husband and father I make sure the day to day needs of my family are met.  If I lost my job and times got desperate there is no telling what lengths I would go to protect my family.  I’ve never been in that situation, but I could imagine I would make sure my wife and kids had what they needed.

I don’t think we are all that different.  And I think God probably knew this.  Or had some idea.  Maybe a manual or something.

I notice though in my “Thanking God for All I have” requirement it forces me to stop and think about, on a point by point macro level what I truly do have, and what I should be thankful for. 

And it makes me… thankful.

I see my wife, who I still have despite some health issues.  My kids, two of which we almost lost to us during or before childbirth due to complications.  A job, when unemployment is 10%.  The fact that I am not French-Canadian.

Immediately when I become thankful my attitude shifts to people who don’t have what I do because of loss or some other circumstance and it then motivates me to be more giving in general.  Being thankful generates contentment and makes me aware of others needs.

The “Be sure you Praise God for his Awesomeness and his Creation!” requirement forces me to stop looking at the mundane and look at the extraordinary.  I have caught myself sometimes, driving home from work, pulling in the driveway and although I drove home, not once did I take the time to notice a thing outside my windows besides what was immediately in front of me.  There are some people who post pictures on the internet and they capture stills of nature that are awe inspiring.  If you don’t take the time and force yourself to look at what is, you will fail to appreciate how small you really are.  Humans in their arrogance and all their shining achievements are dwarfed in comparison to a clear night sky.

Each one of the crazy requirements that I am told to do for God in the end doesn’t benefit God very much at all.  It just removes the focus off of me long enough for me to realize certain truths and realities that exist and that funny enough, God is pretty awesome.

Theocentric, centering on God as a prime concern, reveals more about my humanity and my place in this life rather than me, focusing on my needs, first. 

The Wright Brothers were famous, but they were also Christians.  They felt that studying God’s awe inspiring creation of birds and how they fly would lead them to the proper dynamics of propulsion and lift to take flight.  They left what they knew about flight and gliders and bike frames and saw something extraordinary.

*word provided by Yankee Biz: Poet, Muse and thinker of random accurate thoughts.

If Life was an iPod

I never use the shuffle on my iPod. It makes absolutely no sense why I would want the songs to play out of the order I originally placed them in. I allow songs to illicit emotional responses from me when I need them. Some songs put me in a different state of mind, some for reading, some for being at the gym, some for listening to in the car.




All the songs I listen to have a special meaning. Who I was with when I heard it, or a time in my life that is associated with a certain brand of music. Kind of like Christmas Carols are for Christmas.


So it occurred to me, if I use that shuffle feature it would disjoint the events and responses that I am looking for at that specific time. I know what you’re thinking – Just make a play list Craig and select that to play THOSE songs. Well I would, but my iPod is old and doesn’t have that feature. Besides, I would rather hate to change it for another iPod when I love it so very much.


And that got me to thinking about how much we hate change. Most of the time you would expect to see change as something we look forward to and anticipate. But it’s not. Change is scary. One minute Roxette is telling you to listen to your heart and the next minute nSync is screaming bye bye baby. And you think to yourself how the crap did nSync get on here? Was that in my library? Was it in my wife’s? Who would do that to me? But you see it’s too late. Your rhythm is off and the plan that you had of having Shiny Toy Guns sing Major Tom to you is gone, and you are stuck. Even if you switch songs by now the fruity bubblegum pop sounds of a boy band are stuck in your cranium.


And there was nothing you could do about it. Sometimes life appears to be the same way in an oversimplified context. We all have plans that we want to stick to, they look great on paper. Then, life throws in John Tesh, and you are like…what the crap. There John Tesh is playing along, and even though he doesn’t mean any harm you listen and say, dude….you were a host next to Mary Hart, Where is my Entertainment Tonight?


Let me put it in another completely off the wall illustration from a fictional story that doesn’t matter much. In Lord of The Rings, after the Hobbits destroy the ring and make it back to the shire, something happens to the lead character Frodo. He’s changed by his journey. The events that occurred in his life had, well, changed his life from super death metal play list to Enya. He had changed, even though others around him had changed in their own way to, they didn’t grow how he had.


Let’s take a quick look at how that all went down shall we?

GANDALF

Farewell, my brave Hobbits. My work is now

finished. Here at last, on the shores of

the sea, comes the end of our Fellowship.

There is GREAT SADNESS . . . MERRY SNIFFLES LOUDLY.

GANDALF (cont'd)

I will not say: "do not weep", for not all

tears are an evil.

GANDALF (cont'd)

It is time, Frodo.

SAM

(alarmed)

What does he mean?

FRODO

(gently)

We set out to save the Shire, and it has

been saved ... but not for me . . .

SAM

(shaken)

You don't mean that - you can't leave.

SAM looks down . . . FRODO is holding BILBO'S RED

JOURNAL out towards him.

FRODO

The last pages are for you, Sam.

SAM is SOBBING . . . MERRY and PIPPIN are DISTRAUGHT . . . .

FRODO hugs MERRY and PIPPIN, and last of all SAM . . . and

climbs on board the SHIP a look of WONDERMENT crosses his face . . . as

he STEPS FORWARD and ACCEPTS GANDALF'S HAND . . . finally

released from his pain, care falls from his face . . . he is

the young FRODO we first met so long ago.

SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN comfort each other as the WHITE SHIP

glides away from the DOCK ...

The WHITE BOAT sails away towards the HEADLANDS,

disappearing into the GOLDEN LIGHT of the SETTING SUN.

SAM in growing darkness, still follows the

departing SHIP with his eyes, MERRY and PIPPIN are already

preparing to leave.

SAM walks up the path towards his house . . .

A LITTLE GIRL toddles up to greet him.

SAM

Elanor!

He hugs his daughter . . .

FRODO Voice Over

My dear Sam. You cannot always be torn in

two. You have to be one and whole for many

years. You have so much enjoy and to be and

to do. Because Sam, your part in the

journey goes on.

ROSIE COTTON steps up and kisses SAM on the cheek

. . . she gives him a TINY BABY BOY to cradle.

SAM with his FAMILY . . . he draws a deep breath:

SAM

Well ... I'm back.

SAM looks at his LOVELY FAMILY with GREAT HAPPINESS, tinged

with a little SADNESS . . .

Frodo made a major life change, and it affected, well, everyone. But it mostly affected Sam. Sam had been with him the whole journey step for step.


People who walk so long together begin to build predictability in their steps. A huge change like this is often unaccounted for. And often unwelcome.


Our perception on friendships is that a constant effort must be made for the relationship to continue. In some cases this is true. I had two great friends in College. After I was married and had my first daughter, I lost contact with both of them and haven’t talked with either person for 12 years or so. These are people I walked on many journeys with in growing up and becoming a man. And they were both gone.


My perception on friends is now a bit different. Friendship is something that is at the same time both temporal and everlasting. I may not always have my friend near me, but I will always have the friendship.


And when they do leave, to quote a fictional Gandalf “I will not say: "do not weep", for not all tears are an evil.”


Sometimes, you are Fordo, sometimes you are Sam. And sometimes, John Tesh creeps in when you know CCR was up next.