Teaching Them To Fight

I remember being at a Kenpo Karate Seminar and the Instructor said to the class “The most likely scenario in which you would ever use one of these upward blocks I am teaching you is when you open the closet door and the Christmas presents you forgot on the top shelf start to fall down and you protect yourself.”  Thinking to myself quietly I realized Jews, Muslims and atheists would have nothing to worry about, their closets would never attack them.  But I would continue to train for the day those presents decided to attack.  Another instructor made the comment during a break where he felt that if the only thing a student studying martial arts ever learned was “Not to Freak Out” during an altercation of a stressful situation then his training did its job.

And I thought, “I’m paying $100 a month to learn not to freak out?  I thought I was learning cool ninja stuff and how to beat others up, in glorious choreographed fight scenes.  Why was I learning how to breath, how to stretch and how to use torque and fulcrums?”  Yes, I was a disappointed student in the art of not freaking out.  I studied it for 6 years and I got so good at “Not freaking out” I was apathetic.  

That was then.

Now, I have children.  And they freak out, A LOT.  Honestly, I am not sure how they are wired to go from Zero to Crazy in small events like broken crayons or the ever horrible “He’s in my ROOM!” but they do.  And they do it well; they are masters of the freak out.  And to be honest I sit back and think to myself, “DUDE!  WHAT’S YOUR DEAL?!”  But I never say it, because I don’t freak out.

I have a sometimes stressful job.  Sometimes things break, and they break hard.  So, while networks are down and email isn’t working and we need those contracts in .pdf form, or the web is down and people can’t buy stuff or whatever, you can’t freak out.  You shut up, no matter what Exec is yelling in your ear and you figure out the problem and you fix it.  It’s not time to be angry over why it broke, scared that you can’t fix it or have anxiety that it might break again after you fix it.  You push that aside and you focus.  Most people do it; some do it better than others.  With family, friends or acquaintances though, we tend to be less forgiving and more apt to let our emotions get the better of us.  This happens especially when we feel we have been wronged personally and we want the other person to know it.  

Earlier this week, Brandon had enough of his little brother Collin.  Collin can cause the best of us to freak out.  Why?  No idea, it’s a gift.  Whatever is annoying in me appears to operate in this kid at such high levels it’s detectable from space.  Any who, Collin had duped and/or frustrated Brandon for the last time, and Brandon was pushed to the point of tears.  You know, those angry tears where it’s either cry or grind your teeth and stab because of what happened.  So I pulled Brandon’s hyper tensed body over to me where I didn’t ask him what was wrong.  That doesn’t matter.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

What mattered is his anger was getting the better of him, causing him to lose his sense of self and manifest itself physically.  I started quietly talking to him, telling him to not allow his anger to control him.  When people get angry they say things they don’t mean, they can’t control themselves physically and nothing; NOTHING should have that power over you.  I helped him breathe slower, and walked him back from whatever path he decided to let himself walk down.

When he calmed down enough, his frustration left and I hugged him, told him I loved him and that things will happen that can make you angry and cause you to flip out, but you don’t have to allow yourself to surrender control to those feelings.

I don’t want my kids to grow up and be submissive to their emotions.  

       Proverbs 14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of evil devices is hated.

During Brandon’s episode I explained to him when someone gets upset they lose control, in anger they can make mistakes.  In fear they can react with unfortunate consequences.  All things can be forgiven, but you are responsible for the repercussions of your actions during those moments. 

More important than teaching my kids how to fight in self-defense will be to teach them how to win the fight over their own emotions, how not to Freak Out.  Anything that I can do to show them not to allow anxiety, anger, depression, ignorance, fear or pride to have the primary place in their minds must be my primary goal as their father.  I need to change their perception on how they think when these moments come so they can remain calm.  Historically, the Apostle Paul had a lot of unfortunate and stressful things happen to him including having his head cut off.  Now I am sure the last one was only stressful for a moment, but still leading up to it he had some pretty hardcore circumstances that if anyone was allowed to freak out it could have been this guy.  But he wrote this instead…

         “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these thing”

            Paul made a conscious decision to focus on the positive that was around him, and to let his belief system and relationship with Christ to lead in this area.  That governed his emotions.  Was he perfect?  No, he even said he never arrived at the final fruition of his Christian life, but that’s not the goal.  The goal is to be something better than an emotional hurricane, to be led spiritually and not emotionally.

Martial Arts taught me the enormous amount of damage the human body can take and still function.  The desire to push yourself beyond a normal breaking point physically can give you a sense of security when faced with an altercation where normally when threatened the adrenaline kicks in and mistakes can be made if not channeled properly.  I didn’t realize until later that the greater victory came in the battle that was already won in my mind to stay focused and not to listen to a chemical or emotional reaction that overpowered proper thinking.

Proverbs 14:29  He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.

You can't be there for everyone, but be there for someone.

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.” - Seneca

     The universe began as a random chance happening.  A gathering of great mass and matter that had no choice but to expand outwards with such energy that an even more random chance had formed what we see in the skies light years away and what we live in today.  

Chance occurred again and instruction sets were perfectly written into the first living organisms billions of years after that initial energy push.  Chance kept occurring in such a random set of violent happenstance that down to the molecule, organic Nano technology that make up you and me occurred naturally, over billions and billions of years that we are here and know each other by the slimmest of odds that made our existence possible.  It was all chance.

Or, it wasn’t.

I tread very carefully when I have conversations about our origins.  Since I was not around In the Beginning, and neither were you, the acceptance of your worldview without empirical data comes down to one thing.  Questions like these are important but the overall outcomes of the answers are the same in the end.  You have people trying to prove one point of view or another for answers that require a bit of faith.

Christianity centers itself less in our origins, even though they are important, but more importantly on our relationships.  Jesus told those who would listen to treat others how you would like to be treated: Mercy, compassion, kindness, understanding and love. No one wants to be unloved, unforgiven or treated harshly. Humanity acts otherwise.  We are mostly selfish and we protect our own immediate circle of relations.  It is a conscious choice to move beyond that.

     In the past few years I have come across many different kinds of people.  If I can ever teach my children anything it would be to pay attention to people.  Not in areas that do not matter but in areas that do.  In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Jacob Marley’s guilt says it best when he shouts

“Business! Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”

Who really is my neighbor, and why should I care?  Many times in the past, I admit to my own ignorance and selfishness, I have been brought into contact with people who didn’t need another anonymous greeting and experience in which they were forgotten as soon as they left my sight, but that is what I gave them.  Their problems are their own or someone else’s who knows them better.  How hard would it be for me to be something different, an ear to listen for a few minutes; to think and offer another perspective to an issue that was so easily seen in a painful expression on their face?  

I am not a leader in my church, not a psychologist with a practice, not a person who works in a local community outreach type environment or a licensed counselor.  I speak to Christians.  My prior excuse would always focus on the fear that I would make matters worse, or be no help at all.  Sometimes problems are so bad and run so deep they do require that level of support. 

 

Initially, I just made decisions that allowed me to be a better friend to those I knew, and care about those who I saw my own faults in.  Then, if anyone else I met along the way needed either of those two things, I made choices to be available to them.  That made a difference.

Understandably when you take on another’s problems you take on them as a person.  Bear one another’s burdens and fulfill the law of Christ.  THAT’S Christianity, don’t ever think anything different.  You take care of their recovery in health, or pay their debts and you come back to check on them to see how they are recovering later on, YOU are the Good Samaritan after all.  You integrate this person into your life and are sure before you cut the strings that enable them, that they are made whole, they can walk, provide for themselves and be on their way and hopefully do the same for others.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” - James Arthur Baldwin

You find that your kindness and caring was the courage they needed, the acceptance they sought and the understanding that no one else cared to offer.  Suddenly they matter when someone else showed them they mattered.  It sounds simple, but I have found so few people that do it.  And in that established relationship you help lighten the load of what they carry and you begin to carry it too.  You learn about the death of their child, or the unloving spouse, the dying relative, the home in foreclosure, the fight with the college roommates, the parent who never approved of their job, the infidelity of their heart, the horrible abuse from a relative when they were young or the teen who wonders why a parent left.  In a moment of listening and assurance you validate an existence.  How selfish we are with our time, when just a few minutes can make such a difference to someone.

How far that little candle throws its beams, So shines a good deed in a naughty world. - Shakespeare.

To me, personally, I am no different than the people I form these extended relationships and friendships with.  I have the same flaws, the same imperfections.  It’s humbling when you see yourself in another person who is struggling.  It forces honesty in you about your own flaws and shortcomings.

You can’t be there for everyone, because you will never meet everyone, but you can be there for the people that come across your path.  What you are capable of is something that takes just a little time, and enforces qualities in you that we all wish the world had a bit more of; selflessness, gratitude, giving and understanding.

It’s qualities I hope to teach my children and what I hope to have a little bit more of for those around me.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~Corinthians 13:7-8

No Matter How Old I Get...

Today was Katie’s Birthday Party.

Before her friends arrived, the pizza did.  We were outside and the pizza was brought in the house and paid for.

Katie asked me, “Dad can we stay outside?”

“You mean go for a walk?”

“That would be nice.”

She’s 12.  No matter how old I get, I will always go for a walk with my Katie.

“Of course, sweetie.”

Earlier that day I had gotten home.  I was on the phone with a friend who was having a rough time at home.  I left Katie in the other room while I was on the phone with this man who was struggling with his own family issues.  I didn’t have time for her then, but she didn’t seem to mind.

We stepped off the front lawn and she slipped her hand in mine.

“You’re 12 now, sweetheart.  You sure you want to be seen holding my hand?”

“Well, yeah.  No matter how old I get, you’ll always be my Dad.”

We started walking; she started swinging our hands as we walked.

No matter how old I get, this feels perfect.

We said and waved Hi to neighbors.  Talked about the right time to be sarcastic.  How it isn’t a good technique when meeting someone for the first time.  Better save it for when people know you better.  If you use it too early you come off looking like...

“…a jerk, Dad?”

“Yes sweetie.  A big Jerk.  Trust me.”

We walked around the block, away from her party.  Just me and my Katie.

“Dad, you think I can be as smart as Sherlock?”

“I don’t see why not.  You can spend time developing an eidetic memory if you put the time in, there are different techniques you can use.”

“Do you think I will be good with deduction?”

“That’s just being a quick but accurate thinker, sweetheart.”

“Will I be as smart as you?”

“Smarter, Honey.”

No matter how old I get, I will always enjoy talking with her.

I told Katie, later in the evening, I had another friend to visit.  Someone who needed some of my time to talk ideas out.  She knows that person and thinks highly of him.  I would have to leave her party, but I promised it wouldn’t be until after she opened presents.  She smiled and said she understood.

When it was time to leave, I told Katie I had to go. 

 

In front of her friends, she ran up unembarrassed, hugged me, kissed me and said 

“Tell your friend I said Hi.”

As I walked out the door, and shut it behind me I heard her say to her friends through the open window, 

“My Dad has to go out tonight and be there for one of his friends, he does that.”

Every day, she grows up a little more.  Every day, I let her go a little more.

No matter how old I get, she will always amaze me.

No one is fighting...Do you see any elbows?

When I was little I would be taken with my sister to family holiday events at my grandmother’s house.  We would gather together not to celebrate the Holiday so much as it seemed was supposed to happen, but to argue.  

Well, I didn’t argue.  I was 9.  I had no interest in the apparent discourse other than when we were going to open presents and who was going to get the prize for the worst gift.  Seriously.  One year my cousin received a Bat House.  Yeah, you read that right. Who does that to a kid?  I myself developed a keen psychic awareness towards underwear regardless of the package it was hidden in.  I could tell when it was given to me and would respond with an audible groan.  Did one of the Kings give Jesus underwear hidden in any of the gifts they brought?  Nope.  Nor did our Savior get a bat house.

Anyway, around the time everyone had finished eating the arguing would start.  At least as a kid it sounded like arguing.  What it actually in essence was a family that loved each other very much; speaking freely and openly ideas that had contention and conflict associated with them.  Because of the family relationship there was no worry if someone during the heated disagreements would cut ties and discontinue the conversation for fear of offense or worse…hurt feelings.

 

During the lively wild finger pointing and elevated voices discussion, no one for once thought that anyone was trying to hurt anyone's feelings.  THIS was how you exchanged ideas, took a stance or contended for your belief.   It wasn’t personal.  It wasn’t vitriol spewing against who you were as an individual.  It was just how you would talk.  No subject was taboo. Religion, Politics, Abortion and current events were all up for debate.  All things were fair game.  There was no waiting your turn to voice your opinion.  You jumped in the ring and held your own, or you sat quietly back while the adults used big words that made you feel inferior.  It was rough, but it wasn’t personal.  You either hung in there, or you put your bat house together.   

Now I am older, a believing Christian, and I can only compare those things to which I have seen and heard.  And something has always troubled me horribly:  Some Christians can’t argue.  Most of them can’t tell or take a joke (or be severely teased), but some can’t argue.

I think it comes from the programming of hearing “Childlike faith” and then falling into the trap of believing what you are told all the time without question.  There is no iron sharpening iron, no practical contending for what they are taught.  No growth.   They rely upon someone else to support their beliefs.  And should that person ever fall, they either fold up their own convictions, or attach themselves to the next strong willed individual who they can feed off of.

Let’s look at something.  I’ll shorten the bible lesson because I am tired.  Jesus left the Apostles.  Peter was running the show mostly.  Here comes Paul, an outsider who formerly killed Christians but decided after a road trip to Damascus to join them, has Peter meet up with him in Antioch.  Peter, the guy who the Catholics say was the first Pope.  THAT guy.  Now, there is a lot of stuff that goes down but Paul says he WITHSTOOD Peter to his face because he was wrong.  That isn’t a simple “let’s work out our differences nicely” type of statement.  No.  It was Christmas dinner and Peter said something stupid about an incorrect belief he held.  The bell was rung and Paul came out before the sausage stuffing was put away.  They argued.  Christian believers argued.  Paul was right, Peter was wrong.   No one had their feelings hurt, if they did they got over it.  They moved on.

What I find even more distressing is people nowadays, not just Christians, don’t discuss or debate so much anymore as they shout down at each other what they believe.  There is no respecting of the individual or the person that they are.  We paint people quickly with labeled names and classify them as either one of us or against our firmly held and cherished beliefs.  Even worse, is the arrogance and pride associated with what appears to be a large number of people who fear being wrong.  Some individuals will THINK they know your background because of a belief and re-frame the argument consistently against how they hold a bias against your worldview.  There is no person in front of them, just a set of thoughts they choose to be biased against.  Conversation has lost its humanity.

There is no exchange of ideas, no refining of an opinion and worst of all no teaching of a different point of view.  There are fundamentals that I adhere to in my life, things that shape my worldview and personal perspective.  Because another individual doesn’t share those does not for a moment give me the right to discount them as a person.

In fact, the opposite occurs.  If I find someone willing enough to share their point of view with me and debate or argue the topic it proves out if I really believed and understood what my position was to begin with.  

During an argument with a friend over a topic close to both of us about American Government, I remember him stating in aggressive frustration “Read a book!”  I don’t think he had any book in mind, but it was perfectly in flow with what we were talking about.

The other day, I was driving with Katie in the car.  I asked her simply why she believed this or that.  Her response was “Because someone taught it to me”.  That’s a great starting point, but it isn’t good enough.  Because someone taught something to her means at some point someone else can come along, and unless she is grounded and knowledgeable in what she thinks she believes her perception can be changed.  That grounding only comes with discussions, questions, and sometimes arguing.

Don’t argue with just anyone who is looking to pick a fight.  Some people are more interested in hearing themselves speak than defending passionately what they believe while leaving the door open to be taught.  That’s key.  Every discourse should be entered with the understanding that you may very well be wrong.  Peter had to face it.  You might too.

 I have seen to many statements of faith come from some people’s mouths that when asked to back them up, crumble against basic stress testing.  They didn’t really have an idea or belief formed.  They were just letting stupid happen from their head.  In all reality though, their Holidays were probably a lot quieter than mine.